National Coming Out Day: Tell Your Coming Out Story

October 11th is National Coming Out Day (NCOD). Given the recent rash of suicides, this day is more important then ever. NCOD was founded by Jean O’Leary and one of my mentors, Rob Eichberg. I met Rob when I was 19, I was clueless, closeted and scared. Rob took me under his wing and helped me to understand that being Gay was not the end of the world, but the start of a new life and new opportunities. With his encouragement, I become a fierce Diva. Rob died of HIV/AIDS in 1995, I miss him.

Rob wrote the book “Coming Out: An Act Of Love”, that is what coming out should be Unfortunately, with stigma, fear and misinformation, coming out can also be dangerous and destructive. Look no further then the bullying in schools to understand this danger. Why do we do it? Maybe because staying in the closet can be more dangerous and more destructive. Living a lie, not telling your friends or family the truth about your life, can lead of many destructive behaviors.

I am a third generation Japanese American. My parents were in relocation camps during World War II. I am the product of all their hopes, dreams and aspirations. Like many immigrant families, my parents wanted a life for me that they could not have for themselves. Little did them know...

My coming out story goes like this...
Being a control Queen, I wanted to orchestrate every step of my coming out. I flew home from college in the spring of my senior year. Coming home in the middle of a school year was very uncharacteristic for me. College was thousands of miles away and we did not have the money for frequent trips home. My parents knew something was up.

So they couldn’t gang up on me, I decided to speak with them separately. I took dad to his favorite restaurant, I figured its harder to scream in a crowded restaurant. I was nervous and scared. During dinner, I looked very intently at my salad, avoiding any eye contact. The lack of contact continued through the rest of the meal. Finally he asked “why did you come home?”

This was my opening, I had rehearsed my response for years. I wanted to share my news in a loving way, unfortunately, my nerves got the best of me. Instead of telling my story, I mumbled “Dad I’m Gay.”

This is the moment in every coming out story...

How would he respond? Would he still love me? Would he still support my college education? Dad looked directly in my eyes and said “Son, I want you to know that I will always love and support you.” We were a nice Asian family, we never say I love you. He then took off his ring and said “I’ve been saving this for you, I think its a good time to give it to you.”

As we were driving home, Dad says “we need to talk to your mother, she is very worried.” My mother... people ask how I became such an evil Queen, I have two words “my mother”. Mother is an amalgam of kindness and caring to the outside world while internally she is scared, ambitious and a force of nature. I both love and fear her.

When we get home from dinner, mother was anxiously waiting for our return. Immediately, she wants to know why I flew home in the middle of a school year. Feeling confident after dinner and forgetting that I was talking to my mother, I blurted out “I’m Gay!”. That was the last thing I remember saying.

Mother’s response was this piercing scream... A scream that last 20 years. I knew I should've taken her to a restaurant.

In her defense, gay was not something she understood. This was before Will and Grace, there were no cultural references. None of her friends had gay children or so she thought. How could she continue to play mah-jongg with the girls?

From then on, we never discussed my “problem” except to scream at each other. Remember, I am my mother’s son. It took many years for me to come out, so I knew to give her time. Who knew it would take 20 years.

In 2000, the Japanese American Citizens League (JACL) selected me to be “Citizen of the Millennium”. They gave me this award as an openly gay man. At the banquet, I dedicated the trophy to my parents for helping me become the man that I am. 20 years later, mother finally got that being Gay was not the end of the world. Later she would say with a tear in her eye, “I am so proud of you”. This was completely out of character and meant the world to me.

I share my story for those who provide services to men who have sex with men, gay men, bisexuals or questioning men. To be a good provider, you need to understand our lives. Coming out is an unique cultural experience. It can be a driving force to self-acceptance or a denial of one’s sexuality. If we are going to stop the spread of HIV/AIDS, we must do it in these communities. Tell me your coming out story. It will help to educate our communities.

P.S. If you ever meet my mother, please don’t tell her about this article. She will just regale you with stories about how I was a difficult child. Remember, she is her son’s mother.